It's Friday. Sex?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
