Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
