she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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