My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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