Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
