i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
