the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
did i just pee glitter
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
