I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
