don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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