Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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