whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
