Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
