I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
