Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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