I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
