they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
