I smell stomach acid.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
