i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
