I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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