I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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