What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
