I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
