shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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