you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
