I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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