then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just want nice things and good sex
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
