We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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