How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
