so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
wanna go halves on a baby?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.