..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges