I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE