seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
