Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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