mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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