i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
