dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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