There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
