if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
