I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
