your parents love me but you hate me
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
