omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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