If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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