planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
