I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
