Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
