Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
