It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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