Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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