I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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