Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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