Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
