New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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