I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
