Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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