you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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