I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
