They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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