I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
