Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
