Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He passed out mid-signature
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
